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| 2009-12-09 | last in a long line |
I knew you didn't mean it. When you contacted me in Miami, and said you wanted to "try us". The very next day, I knew it wasn't real. Last week when you told me you weren't sure where you were at with us. You wrote me that night like you'd had a big realization and you were committed to doing something, but it wasn't real. I had just been on a good date and I barely felt anything when I read it because it seemed so detached from reality. (see: Disneyland - not just a place you will take your kids for spring break.)
I was so wary of this idea that you would come here for New Year's -- I knew when I told my mom that it wasn't real. On my way home from band practice on Monday I bought myself a bottle of champagne to crack open without you on New Year's Eve as a pathetic reality check.
I am a woman you never thought would look at you twice and there's got to be a high in that. At the least, a distraction to get you through life with a bit more excitement. But you aren't going to change a thing. After all's said and done (and there has been a lot of both), you aren't going to change a thing. Maybe if you did change everything, I wouldn't even be interested anymore. It's very possible. Entirely plausible that I am destructive and incapable of love.
I am sure the police memorial made you want to hang on to your family. I can't blame you. I don't need an explanation. I just wish you could've let me go a month ago and never resuscitated this delusion. But I'm getting better at this now.