Things I've done:

- Not renewed my lease. It's up June 30th. Have not looked for a new apartment, don't plan to.

- Interviewed for grown-up jobs in hometown.

- Told C I still love him and want to be with him, in tandem with his having a new girlfriend, the first since we busted up 2 years ago. I AM SO PSYCHOLOGOCALLY OBVIOUS IT'S PAINFUL FOR ME, AND FOR DR. PHIL VIEWERS EVERYWHERE. Anyways. He will never move away from here and I will and so it's impossible.

This summer, I plan on making a confident decision and feeling good about it. I am pretty sure it means taking a good job and moving back to be with my mom temporarily. More immediately, we have a summer cottage, and it was really my dad's place that he loved and my mom really didn't. And we need to make it our place (or discover that it never will be) - but I have love for it and feel lucky to have a place to go commune with my father and we'll put half the ashes there.

I'm not out of any woods by a longshot, I'm still pretty socially crippled by the grief and also just sheerly being out of the habit. Angry. Anxious. Okay.