Dust is settled, the new shape of things is here. It isn't the old shape. For several years I have been unabashedly emotionally crippled by the death of my dad. No small part of that due to the fact that I was never emotionally sophisticated to begin with.

The biggest difference in my life now is that I am finally able to feel happy, I don't feel so terrified of interacting with other people, and I don't need to hide behind Russell's shoulder and five beers every single day. I don't feel so furious anymore. There are still aftershocks, but they are garbage can fires and not raging forest blazes. (Two nights ago I watched Intervention and it made so agitated that nightmares kept me up all night and I was a mental disaster. I held on by my fingernails through a workday, then spent the evening pacing and crying into Russell's shirt, feeling an eel of dread swimming in my ribcage, until he convinced me to take meds. Then I had a great night's sleep and all is well in the world again.) But whoever I am, rising from the ash, is just going to have to cope with the garbage can fires.

I still have my same job, and have grown into it. I mostly work on human trafficking into the sex trade. I used to feel like my state of mind would not have allowed me to read or know about such things, and I used to be glad it was not my file, which is usually the universe's hint that it's coming your way. In 2 weeks I get to go to Vienna to a UN forum. I'm daunted and scared. And waiting for that moment where I look around and realize I am friggin at a UN forum in Vienna. How's that for the jobless, careless asshole whose main hobbies were drinking and scamming her coke dealer boyfriend in a former life she sometimes thinks of fondly?

(Is it normal to get your shit together, yet periodically wish you were still an irresponsible idiot? Probably. It's the sleeping in.)

Anyways. I'm rusty at this.

In breaking news, my upstairs neighbour has recently taken up cooking and appears to specialize in boiled eyeballs. A soothing evening aroma for all in your environs. Glade, take note!